Mental Post-Its

Thoughts, Notes, and General Mental Mayhem

Author Archives: kristiporter


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Letter to a Friend

Dear, Friend –

I don’t know where quit to begin. My mind is rushing with thoughts at the moment and I feel a little bit like I’m drowning in them. The dam is about to break, so first, excuse me and second, hold on!

I’ve had drafts and revisions of this letter in my mind for weeks. Every time I thought about committing them to paper, I had a better excuse not to. Tonight I’m at the point where I cannot go to bed without doing it.

This monologue might better be served as an in-person discussion. I fully realize that thought. But you know me well enough to know that I can better express myself by writing…and well, I might cry if I saw your face as I said these things. No, scratch that. I would cry, and probably pretty hard. So, maybe this is better for both of us!

What am I alluding to, you ask? Get to the point, you say? What the heck is this all about, you wonder? Frankly, it’s about your life. Not just your “life” as, dare I say, trivial, as that may seem, but about your existence. Your daily living. Your purpose. Your story. Your freedom.

Do I have your attention yet???

We’ve known each other for years and I can’t tell you how much I enjoy and appreciate your presence in my life. You’ve been a wonderful person to me to laugh with in the good times and process with in the more difficult ones. You have always remained a source of encouragement. I can’t tell you what that means. I know we don’t use this word a lot these days, but I cherish you. And I’ve thought so many times of the letter you wrote to me last year on my birthday. You expressed how much you trust me. You told me that again recently. That fact means so much to me. I am so honored by it. We don’t get to spend a lot of face-to-face time together but I feel joy every time we do. I’m so grateful for how much our friendship has grown over the years. You are a blessing to me. In fact, I see so many reasons God has put you in my life. And that brings me to this point.

I’m not going to try and lay a sense of guilt or shame on you. I’m not even going to try and convict you or “save” you. Why would I? You already believe in God and Jesus. But what I am going to do is tell you what I want for you. I want you to know the fullness of Christ and live in His freedom.

I was working on a project with one of our common friends tonight and we were talking about values. These weren’t values that we thought were good, or even great. They were values that we’d die for. We fell on four: freedom, story, relationships and growth. Freedom means the ability that we have to fully recognize the weight and beauty of what Christ did for us on the cross and live with Him forever, starting now. Story means that I can understand how I am connected to God as well as everyone and everything else; my life has purpose and my actions affect the world around me. Relationships are important because life is lived best among people, those who do know Christ and even those who do not yet know Him. We chose growth because it’s a universal concept; everything living is growing. But it’s always a choice to grow in a healthy manner. These may not be the four words that two other people would use, which is perfectly fine, but we feel these words lay at the core of all the others. They are the reason we get up in the morning.

And as I thought through these individually and their connections to each other, I thought of you. Yes, my friend, I would die for you. I love you that much. I’m sorry if I haven’t made it that clear before now.

This may surprise you, but many people who love Christ as I do decide not to share Him with others. I don’t even think that it is a conscious choice. This isn’t at all because they are bad people. It’s usually because they are scared. Like everyone else walking around the planet, they are scared of rejection. I know, I’ve been there. Sometimes it is with strangers, but I think mostly it is with people they care about. They don’t want to lose that relationship because they value it. Seems almost ironic, doesn’t it? You don’t share something you love with someone you love because you are afraid of losing love.

When I originally started drafting this letter in my head a few weeks back I dwelt for a long time on the last paragraph. And I wasn’t afraid of losing your love or friendship. I just wanted to go at your pace. I wanted to tell you these things when you were at a place you could fully hear them. But for whatever reason, I feel God quickening that pace. I feel great urgency in gushing all of this to you as I am now. It cannot be contained any longer. Perhaps you are in a place to hear.

Here’s another paradox of sorts for you: I care so much about you that I’m willing to risk my relationship with you. That’s right. I’m willing to throw all those years of memories down the tubes because I love you that much. What do you think of that? My dear friend, I am desperate for you know Christ as I do. He is not a great man from a large book who lived a long time ago and did some awesome things. He is a living, breathing Savior. He endured separation from God, the Creator of the Universe, for me…and you. And He is literally dying to be in an intimate relationship with you. I hope this doesn’t sound too “out there” or anything. It isn’t meant to be. I just want you to understand the depth and weight involved in this process. Again, I know you believe in Him. But do you believe Him? Do you trust Him as you would me?

Let me give you a great example from my favorite movie of all time, The Wizard of Oz. I feel like most people, even many Christians, walk around stuck in the black and white of Kansas. After all, over 40% of the US population says they are Christian. How many truly live by that ideology, though? Wouldn’t it be an amazing place if they did? To this group, everything appears a little dull and lifeless, whether they realize it or not. There is good and there is bad. And there’s even a lot of gray to navigate, which is where we get stuck a lot. There is a routine to life and tasks to perform. But inside all of us, there is a desire to be over the rainbow – to know and live and be somewhere bigger than ourselves. It’s a beautiful place but it’s not quite attainable. And we know it’s not quit attainable because we are constantly trying to buy or do or see or feel more to get us over there. But all we can see is black, white and gray.

There is another side, though! When we fully understand who Christ is and who we are in Him, that is who He designed us to be and what purpose we are specifically to live out, we open the door. (Yes, it does usually take the cyclone to get us there!) And on the other side of that door is color like we’ve never seen or imagined! We get over the rainbow and we didn’t have to die to do it! Sure, it’s not heaven so there is still pain and suffering and hardship. But there is also a group who travels with us to encourage us along the way and make memories together. We do life together and we experience it more fully because we have a common purpose and we are not alone.

I think that Dorothy could be trying so hard to get back home because the other people she loved, her family, where stuck in black and white. She still saw how beautiful over the rainbow was, despite it not being exactly as she imagined. I think when she went back home she had a greater understanding for the black and white life, yet she carried the color in her heart. It had changed her. She grew in the process.

Maybe that’s all a bit of a stretch for you, but let’s roll with it, ok?

But that’s a little story of what I want for you. Color floods my heart and I dream for it to flood yours, too.

We’ve talked on a couple of occasions about some of the damage that’s been done to you by people who called themselves Christians, and within the walls of a church. My heart literally aches and my eyes fill up every time I stop to think about it. But all I can say is that I’m sorry. I would tell you a thousand times if that would simply fix it. However, what I am telling you with everything in me that is not the way Christ designed His Church. It should be a place of love, grace, mercy, compassion and Truth. It should be the expression and embodiment of who He is here on this earth. But as long as He allows imperfect people to become members, including myself, we are stuck with that predicament. All we can do is learn from the past, live in the present and look to the future.

I hope and pray that you have learned a different meaning of the Church from being around my friends and me. At least, that is what you said, and I am taking you at your word. I trust that you would tell me the truth. We are very broken and imperfect people, but we strive to be the Church that Christ calls us to be. I want you to see that there are other models out there. All are only replicas of the original, but each is trying in their own way to look like the masterpiece. I desire for you to more frequently be the Church with us.

So, I think I’m running out of thoughts, or at least words. I guess that leaves me with expectations…

I expect you to respond to this in whatever way works best for you. That may mean we talk about it, email about it, allude to it – or we don’t. I respect your choice 100%. After all, it’s yours to make. Please do not feel any pressure or obligation. I didn’t write it for that purpose. I wrote it to express my heart to you, as I feel God asked me to do, and that’s it.

There are also a few expectations you can have for me. The first is that, no matter how you respond, I will still love you as a dear friend. You may be very ready to talk about this or you may never be ready to talk about this. Either way is for you to decide. The second is that I will not bring this up again unless God asks me to. The ball is in your court. And the third is that, as I have done for years now, I will continue to pray for you. I pray for you because I genuinely care about you.

Ok, guess that’s about it. I’ll be seeing you soon, hopefully over the rainbow.

Love,
Kristi


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Missional Communities

Many of you have asked me what this “missional community” thing is that I’ve immersed myself in. I recently found a good explanation from my friend, Gailyn Van Rheenen, who has a heart for training people to be a part of this movement. Here is what he says…

Missional churches are theologically-formed, Christ-centered, Spirit-led fellowships who seek to faithfully incarnate the purposes of Christ. They are communities formed by the calling and sending of God and reflecting the redemptive reign of God in Christ (http://www.missiology.org/mmr/mmr34.htm). These become church planting movements because a missionary impulse is embedded within their DNA. They are simple, replicable, and thus able to spread like a virus over a geographic area. These missional churches are, however, fragile in their inception because the first step is “making disciples.” This disciple-making takes time because followers of Jesus must be nurtured as they grow to spiritual maturity and become God’s sent people on mission with Him. I believe that missional DNA exists in every faithful Christian and every local church but nurturing and equipping are necessary to unleash it in neighborhoods, families, work places, and third places.

That is probably a much more eloquent way than I’ve been explaining it, so I hope this helps. I will certainly be talking more about it here and to many of you verbally, but just wanted to throw this out there.

Happy Friday!


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Sponsoring Hope

I did something last Sunday night that I’ve wanted to do for several years now…sponsor a child through World Vision (www.worldvision.com). Take a look at Claudine’s adorable, little face. It’s just about the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Yep, I’m already in love.

Just a little about her…
Claudine is from the Democratic Republic of Congo, former Zaire. She just turned five a couple of weeks ago. She lives with her mother and one sister. Her mother works in the agriculture industry. She loves to play with dolls and she runs errands for her family as her primary chore. Her health is satisfactory.

Reading those stats, you wouldn’t really understand the reason I chose her from all the other precious faces. But if you aren’t too familiar with the DCR, and I wasn’t until Sunday, it’s a worn-torn country that sits in Central Africa. It’s the third largest country on the continent. The average annual income for a family is $120, one of the lowest in the world. Less than half of the population have access to clean, safe drinking water. This issue alone can cause 80% of the world’s diseases. Also, less than half of the children are in school. But the children may be more preoccupied with whether or not they will be recruited as a soldier or slave, so survival trumps education. Over the last few decades, there were two civil wars, referred to as the Africa World War, in which over 5.4 million people were killed. Poverty is severe here, as is malnutrition. The AIDS/HIV epidemic has also infiltrated the country, and Claudine’s family lives in an infected area.

I also knew I wanted to sponsor a little girl because I have been given so many advantages here in the US, and there are so many girls and women who are at a major disadvantage because they are female. So I wanted to help create opportunities as others did for me. A study conducted by the United Nations concluded that women’s rights and fair treatment was not a priority in the DCR and in fact, women were treated extremely poorly in some circumstance. There is even the existence of “female circumcision” which is more of a mutilation to these young girls. Girls and women are frequently bought, sold and traded for work or sex.

And that’s a little about the country…

It’s so difficult to read those things from the comfort of my living room, laying on my couch, in the air conditioning, with quick access to cable/internet and a refrigerator. I don’t really look at that and feel bad for the things I have, because I have more than just things. I have a responsibility. I desire to see the life of others improve because of God working in and through me. I desperately want change. And I have hope that it can…but I can’t do it alone.

I really wish I could just jump on a plane tomorrow and see Claudine in person. Hug her and give her presents. Let her know someone else cares for her and is praying for her. And maybe one day that will happen. But for now, some of the luxuries I’ve been given will be used to help her and her family. It may sound silly, but I did finally find one of those great things that you can put a price tag on – HOPE. For $35 each month, I am sponsoring HOPE for Claudine. Because of me, she can go to school, have access to clean water, give money to her family, buy food, wear suitable clothes and yes, have a future. Some of these things may have only been dreams over a week ago. I am honored and overwhelmed to be a part of this process. I know it’s a process I chose, or maybe I didn’t, but it is so exciting to know that one person’s life could be drastically changed because I wrote a check once every thirty days. It was easy for me, but course-altering for her. And it connected me to this tiny, little soul a million miles away that will also change me. I instantly felt love, gratitude, protective, stewardship and so many other things the moment I submitted my sponsorship. So maybe I also gave myself a little hope; hope that in all the pain and suffering and injustice in the world, I have made it better. And the best part, you can, too.

If this touched your heart in some way, I’d ask you to take a look around http://www.worldvision.com. I think they have a lot of amazing things going on. And if you don’t have $35 each month, they have down to $20 to help end human trafficking and even smaller gifts like purchasing chickens for farms. So, whatever you can do, it’s enough. Small amounts add up. Cutting out one coffee a week or one lunch a month or whatever you decide, it all matters. But how can we, as educated Americans know about an injustice like this and do nothing?

You can no longer claim ignorance. You can only claim action. Find a path, whatever works best with your gifts and strengths, and walk in it. Sponsor some hope.


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40 Days of Prayer and Fasting

On February 1, Daron, Margaret, Mark and I began 40 Days of Prayer & Fasting alongside numerous friends and family members. The purpose was to involve them in helping discern our future. We’ve been praying for direction, both as individuals and as a team, for almost two years and decided it was time to involve others. For me, it was a spectacular time of growth in spirituality and in my relationship with many of those who were also participating. Below is a copy of the email I sent to them.

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My Fasting Experience:

February 4 – My first day was really just a day of focusing and renewal. It just helped to get aligned with God and spend a good chunk of time with Him that evening. It was exciting to begin this 40 Days for my part. The fasting experience that day was pretty normal for me, not the most pleasant thing ever but not terrible. One of my chief thoughts on this day was reflecting on the support given to us from all of you over the years and thinking that some of you might be inadvertantly fasting and praying for your own futures if you join in our possible “venture” (whatever that may be) later on. I thought that was pretty cool! And I also prayed for you guys since you were joining in the fast. I wanted to reciprocate the sacrifice.

February 14 – Not sure why no one else signed up for this day! Ha! The only hard part of me fasting that day was that I was sick with a really bad head cold and pretty fuzzy all day. For me, however, it was a really good day to fast because I wanted to focus on God as my first love. I wanted the day to be dedicated to Him in that way. I can have such a divided heart with all that goes on in my life and the things that distract me from Him, so I really wanted to pledge my love to Him again on this day. And as I was doing my “Experiencing God” study and reading Nehemiah, I realized that God confirmed to me that I need to wait on Him. So the frustration was easier to subside at that point!

February 24 – This was the biggest of all my days of fasting. I had just attended a church conference the previous two days so I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head. And evidently, my fast began the night before as I tried to fall asleep. My mind was just kind of flooded from thinking about my fast on this day (actual excitement for it!) and coming off the conference. I’m beginning to really align myself with the word “missionary”. I distinctly remember thinking of myself in those terms when I was freelance for two years. Not sure when I quite thinking about it. But I’m really learning to love “missionary” and “missional community.” Missional community was a concept I heard at the conference that is kind of like small groups to the tenth degree – very authentic, accountable, service and community oriented, etc. I also came to the realization that I am a bi-vocational minister, and always have been. We are all called to minister, but like almost everyone else, I have had to use other means to support myself. This was all the night before!!! Now on to the 24th! That morning I was still deep in thought about all of that stuff and I was just really joyful. After the last couple of days, it was very hard to go back to work, though, but I’m trying to find the positives. On days I fast, I typically keep the radio and media off, too, but I was in such a joyful mood I wanted to sing. So I did that on the way to work. That night I spent a couple hours studying and it was awesome!

First I did Experiencing God, then read more in Nehemiah and then read my book called “Fasting”. In “Experiencing God” he talked about ‘spiritual concentration’ meaning praying about something and being extremely sensitive to the things that happen next. It also talked about asking for one thing and getting something else. We often don’t know what to do with the thing we didn’t ask for, yet it’s always better because God knows best. So, I’m thinking that I’ve asked God for all kinds of things during the two years but He’s given me a mission community instead, something I didn’t outright know to ask for. Next he talked about when God is silent. It either means there is sin there or God is waiting to reveal a deeper understanding of Himself. It asked when I thought God had been silent and I thought about the approximately two years we have been waiting for direction. Over the last few weeks of this study, I have seen God confirming that I should wait but sometimes the last two years have felt like silence. So, I’m anxiously awaiting God to reveal, and I think He has…at least part of it. (more on this in a moment) He then talked about God speaking through circumstances. And he notes that in the difficult times, you must look through the eyes of God not the middle of your own worries because your perspective is limited.

Interpretation thus far…what you’ve been waiting for… I am seriously excited about the idea of a missional community. Put plainly, it’s a group of people who are living deeply on mission together. It’s intimate and accountable. Up to this point, what I’ve sensed is that missional community is what we are looking for in a church but didn’t use those words. It’s Mark’s commune and Daron’s tough conversations and Margaret’s love in action and my relational ministry all mixed up in a bowl with a lot of other good things the four of us have talked about over the last few years. It’s beautiful and it’s hard. It’s complicated and simple. It’s messy and worthy. And it’s a witness beyond words. And I feel it’s what I’m being called into. The conference was such great affirmation to my journey and where I am at this time, I can’t even describe. And that concept absolutely struck me and has been just rolling around in my head and sinking into my heart. And in thinking about the circumstances over the last few days, I feel confirmed in that much.

In my Bible, I read Nehemiah chapters 10-13. Alas, I finished it again. Makes me sad because I love it so much. But in chapter 10 the people have turned back to the Lord, recounted their story and have sworn an oath to be better – together (10:29). I sense God calling me to create an oath/covenant between the people I do this with and God. “We promise TOGETHER not to neglect the temple of our God.” (10:39b) Theirs was to obey God’s word, stay pure, keep the Sabbath and tithe. Good stuff. And he was big on praying which is obviously pretty cool, too.

March 9 – This was my fourth and last day of fasting. Another good one! I was mainly focused on answering the questions of where I should live and if I should sponsor a child though Compassion or World Vision. During my “Experiencing God” time it spoke of Joshua accompanying the people into the Promised Land and God rolling back the Jordan River. This passage has very special meaning to me and I also chose this passage to expand on during my study time. While I was reading, I picked up on the fact that God told them that they should follow the Ark because they were going into a land they didn’t know. This makes me think that I should go to Smyra/Vinings as that area had come up in discussions over the past few months. It spoke over and over again of them crossing the river, and I also looked on Google maps and I would be crossing over the Hooch if I move to that area! However, the point of it was to catalog and look at the spiritual markers in your journey that would help you make a decision by seeing where God has been taking you all along. I am still working on this part, though.

And while I was reading my Bible in the beginning two chapters of Esther, it talks about her being adopted by her cousin. I was also looking up tithe scriptures online today and Compassion was a side banner. So, I will move forward with sponsoring a child. I think this move will be a great witness for social justice and the person of character I want to be as part of a missional community.

………….I’m happy to expand on any of my days or experience with any of you. Some of you I don’t get to talk to very often, though, so I wanted to write it down. And as I told the folks on Saturday night, the topics and depth of conversations I’ve had with several of you during these 40 days has been awesome and made it a very special time as well. It was worth the 40 days just for that!

I can not express how grateful I am for your participation in all of this. If I forget to update you from time-to-time, please ask! Much love.


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Story Time

I had dinner with a good friend tonight and I realized that though we’ve known each other for over three years, I’ve never heard her life story. (I love stories!) So, I asked her to share hers with me. She kind of rushed through until I would stop and ask her questions along the way. She thought her story was boring.

I used to have the same perspective of my own story. I thought my life was incredibly ordinary or, to me, somewhat disappointing. As far as knowing Jesus, I always did. I’d never been a drug addict that turned from my wicked ways. I’d never sown those wild oats in college to overcome insurmountable regrets after salvation. I’d never heard God’s voice audibly in the middle of the night. Heck, I’d never even had a cavity, seen a national monument or lived in two different houses till college. I hated when people asked me about myself because I got bored hearing it.

Then, in the spring of 2003, I had a conversation that changed my life, and my story, forever. It was with a friend of mine named Don. I was going through one of, if not the, most difficult experiences of my life to that point. I went to him and asked him for his advice on the situation which was moving back from New York. New York had been my dream since I was eight years old and now it had come shattering to an end. I was devastated and heartbroken. One of the things he shared with me was the healing power of my life story. Don told me that as difficult as it was to talk about, it would help me to talk about it. And the more I talked about it, the easier it would get.

Though at the time it seemed like an impossible wound to heal from, I gave it a try. It took quite a few tries before I could tell it without tears streaming down my face, but he was right. Time and talking about it did help heal me from the pain. And it was such a significant time in my life that it became part of my overall story. Since then, it has even served as comfort for others who have had to mourn lifelong dreams or go through painful situations. I talk about it also because I have learned from it. I’m also an external processor, so it helps me to make sense of things when I can talk them out.

As significant as that chapter of my life is, it is still only a part of my story. There are so many bits and pieces. There are so many life-altering experiences that I only realized the importance of after the fact. Just like everyone else, all of these small things add up to create a thread that runs from my beginning to my present to my dreams for the future. It helps me understand myself and you understand me as well. It adds perspective.

For two years, I was a freelance writer. It was one of the greatest times of my life because it deepened my faith in a way I could’ve never guessed. I learned big time dependence and surrender to the Lord because I was dependent on Him for provision constantly. Most every week for those two years, I didn’t know if I was going to have another job the following week. I was hoping and praying bills would get paid. That may sound really scary, but it really wasn’t for me. It was a time when I could see God in a tangible way I’d never known Him before. I loved it. And it certainly kept me on my toes! It was a great time of growth for me.

I nicknamed that time “My Time in the Wilderness”. I was just kinda wandering and wondering. There were a lot of unknowns. I stepped out on faith because I felt God had called me to it and He gave me peace in return. But it was definitely a position I’d never been in before. So, during that time, I read in the Old Testament about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness on their way to the Promised Land. I just figured we had a lot in common. But it was crazy how my life would parallel what was happening in the Bible. It came alive to me and I could see how to relate it to my circumstance in a whole new way. God provided for them as they needed, and no more than they needed at a time. He also led them to where they were going. He was with them. And of course, the Lord, was doing the same for me.

But much like the Israelites, I was a complainer. There were days I wanted more than quail as they did, or kept wondering how much further to the Promised Land or longed for the comforts of security. Not coincidently, He reminded me the same as He did them, that He was in the middle of this mess. God had taken care of them and He would do the same for me. Every time they complained, they were reminded of the captivity they’d come from. God reiterated their story…His story and their place it in. And without fail, every time I became discouraged or frustrated, God gave me an opportunity to share my story with someone. Every time. When I finished telling it, I was amazed at the adventure I’d been on. I couldn’t believe I was living in that story! It was such a privilege at that point. I had a great story!

I believe it is the same with everyone. It’s kind of like watching your own hair grow. Sometimes we look at the same thing every day and don’t see any change. But when we broaden our perspective and tie the whole thing together, we can see it more clearly. We are miles and years from where we were, spiritually, emotionally, physically, whatever. But it took all of those things to get us to that point.

God has a plan for each of us. I truly believe that statement. He invites us all to be a part of His story. And when I look at my role in The Story, I am humbled. I got asked. And I am playing my role. My own little thread runs through the fabric of time. I matter. Though my role may never be someone like Billy Graham, I’m significant. Yes, The Story can happen without me, but the point is that God doesn’t want it to. So, my answer is yes. I’ll join in!

When you look at your story like that, why wouldn’t it be grand?!?!?! It’s epic! It is part of The Story! It is full of events that bring God glory. It is a testimony of His love for this one, little person. One person out of six billion. And yet, it is mine. There are a lot of things people can take from me if they want. My story is not one of them. Yet it is woven with so many others. My story didn’t happen alone. He put all kinds of “random” interactions with strangers in between meaningful conversations and experiences with friends and family. They all add up to be words, phrases, sentences and chapters in my story.

Some of the most significant moments in my life are incredibly depressing. Some are thrilling. Some still make me laugh out loud. And I believe God was beside me in all of them. The Holy Spirit was guiding me along His path. Sometimes I took the right steps but there were quite a few I didn’t. All still matter.

I hope I was able to help my friend see that her story is not boring or insignificant. It is hers. I care about her and want to know her better, so I loved hearing it. It helps me understand her. I can see more of where she is coming from. I can see the unique ways God has worked in her life. That is quite valuable to me.

I don’t like to tell my story because I like to hear myself talk. I love to tell my story because I see God’s fingerprints all over it! I would say 99% of the experiences I’ve had were never planned by me. They were all Him. And I’m so thankful. They are so much better than what I wanted. My story is a witness of His work in my life. I believe the same is true for each of us.

Please do yourself a favor. Do someone else a favor. Share your story.