I have two people living inside me.
They fight for my attention.
Some days one wins; some days the other. But I’m not sure both can ever win at the same time.
I wouldn’t call them Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. I wouldn’t call them Two Faced. Though two opposite sides of people are often expressed in movies, TV and literature as only good and bad, I find myself with a good and good. At least that’s what I’d call them.
The first me likes having a home, likes making the home look nice, and really likes acquiring stuff. She doesn’t crave stability by any means, but she likes a framework to move within. She doesn’t want to own a house for that still feels a bit like a cage, but she likes making the home she lives in feel warm and inviting. She likes buying books and movies and decor and electronics and kitchen appliances (though she doesn’t know how to use them very well). She doesn’t enjoy clutter, in fact she periodically purges to avoid extreme excess, but she does have comfy surroundings and a VERY long Amazon Wish List. I wouldn’t say she puts down roots, but she does enjoy watching relationships, places and surroundings grow to be a part of her. She doesn’t resist change by any stretch of the imagination, but maintains a flirtation with it, and welcomes it in from time to time.
And then there is the second me. She regrets the day everything she owned didn’t fit in her car anymore. She likes the idea of a well-decorated home, but isn’t convinced she needs it for herself. She only needs a reliable car to get her to where she wants to go next. She thinks she’s got some gypsy blood in her, but isn’t sure where it came from, because every couple of months she’s ready to move. To see new places. To have new experiences. She wants every day to be different and unknown. She thrives on adventure. She despises acquiring stuff because 1) she really doesn’t need it despite her wants and 2) so many people around the world have so little. So why not send the money and stuff to them instead? She doesn’t resist change; she embraces it with a huge smile as if it’s always overdue.
While reading about the two sides of me, you most likely identified more with one over the other. I think most people do. I’m sure even the more “tame” side of me isn’t near stable enough for some of you. (I know that because I’ve talked to you.) And in fact, the opposing side may even seem ludicrous to you. But, I promise, these two people live within me. Neither is bad.
Different isn’t bad. It’s just different.
But I’ll tell you one thing, it’s really hard for these two to take up occupancy inside me. The first side side has been the side that shows up most often, and sometimes I really am unsure why, while the second side plays the prominent role at only certain times. But usually, the side that isn’t winning is screaming to be in front. I’m sure the means and opportunity are the only thing standing in the second me’s way.
I think we’re often taught by society that my second me is flaky or irresponsible. Sure, it’s romanticized in movies, TV and literature, but when it comes down to it, come on? You can’t really live that way.
But I disagree. Didn’t the apostles live like the second me? I’ve lived like the second me at times and enjoyed the heck out of it. Not everything has to change in a couple thousand years. Don’t the aforementioned romanticized people often inspire you? They do me. And you only need know me to know that no matter which side is dominant, I’m not flaky or irresponsible. I may take risks, but they are calculated and prayerful. I just don’t understand life without risk. What a bore! I certainly don’t want to live that way. Both me’s need a calling, adventure and to be part of something larger. That is a constant no matter which side is taking the lead. That’s what I believe being a disciple of Christ is all about.
Control is out of my hands. Though I’m still in recovery, I tried to let go of my control freak side a long time ago. What a waste of time–trying to control. I was only trying to do a job that I professed was God’s, but in the end, must have secretly thought I’d be better at. I learned submission, and in that, opened new doors to adventure. Liberation. Now I understand truly what freedom is about. Some adventures are more tame, and they are for the first me. They are every day adventures (yes, they exist). And then there are the epic ones for the second me, and they are grand indeed. They leave a longing in me for more…much more. And that is why second me will always be part of my scenario. And honestly, I’m grateful for that.
I guess I’m learning to reconcile that having both sides of me is a good thing, though some days that’s harder to grasp. Sure, they are variations of the oneness of me, not necessarily polar opposites. And certainly not good and bad. They are both a gift, both of value, and both given by God. Which one I’ll wake up as, I never know. But then again, isn’t that part of the adventure?