Mental Post-Its

Thoughts, Notes and General Mental Mayhem


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Business Boutique: Notes & Quotes

fullsizerender-14I totally forgot to post about this event after attending in November. Maybe that’s because I feel like I sat with it so long, which is a good thing. One of the facets that I really liked about this event was that the notebook also served as a workbook. So, I’ve had it sitting out since coming back from Nashville just waiting to finish my homework. I’d intentionally set it aside for this year’s personal retreat (more on that soon!), so really, I think my conference experience just ended.

Christy Wright’s Business Boutique is a conference aimed for Christian women entrepreneurs. She started as a Dave Ramsey coach and speaker, and has now moved into this niche, which I believe will thrive. Business Boutique is extremely practical, which I appreciated most of all. And one of the most interesting pieces of the event to me was that it’s aimed at dreamers, starters and builders. The “dreamers” were the people I found most fascinating. I’d never seen a conference aimed at people who had no idea what they want to do! I talked to several of these ladies, and they confirmed that they either had a super vague idea (“I want to sell something online.”) to no idea (“I am open to anything. I just want a change.”) There were also a wide variety of women there from young moms looking for a career or something to contribute to their family, to new or established business owners, to retirees looking to begin again. It was kinda fun to hear the range of stories, backgrounds and ideas.

Outside of this two-day annual event in Nashville, she also has a really good podcast and a series of one-day events around the U.S. during 2017. Her events are extremely affordable, and a lot of fun. I’d definitely recommend this conference to other Christian women entrepreneurs!

But for now, here are just a few of my take-aways:

Christy Wright:

  • Your dream should be so big that if God’s not in it, you’ll fail.
  • If you set your goals before the why, dreams, vision, and mission statement, your goals have no soul.
  • You’ll be the most successful when you stay in your strengths.
  • Stay true to yourself by building your business around your personal values.
  • When talking about your business, focus on the benefit to the customer, not the features of the business. Start with why.
  • If you don’t believe in the goodness of business and making money, you’ll never have a good business or make money.
  • Turning your hobby into a business requires a mind-set shift. Its no longer a part of you. The business is its own thing.
  • You teach others how to value you. If you don’t value your work, no one else will.
  • Faith and fear require you to believe in something that hasn’t happened yet.
  • Fear doesn’t mean you’re doing something bad. It means your doing something bold.
  • Anything that tears you down is not from God.
  • Creating balance in your life comes down to what you spend your time on.
  • Stress and anxiety are caused when there is a disconnect between our values and our behavior.
  • Life balance is simply living from your values.
  • Jesus wasn’t focused on the need. He was focused on the assignment.

Dave Ramsey:

  • Goals must be specific.
  • Goals must be measurable.
  • Goals must have a time limit.
  • Goals must be yours.
  • Goals must be in writing.

Rachel Cruz:

  • Quite the comparisons.
  • Steer clear of debt.
  • Make a plan for your money.
  • Think before you spend
  • Save like you mean it.
  • Give a little…until you can give a lot.
  • Talk about money, even when its hard.

Christine Caine:

  • Impossible is where God starts.
  • You can’t change your past, but you can change your future.
  • Just be willing.
  • God has a plan, purpose and destiny for your life.
  • God always uses unlikely people.
  • It’s the job of the people of God to carry the message of God to their generation.
  • You’ve got to make a decision that what God did for you is bigger than what someone else did to you.
  • A word you’ll never find in the Bible is retirement.
  • Leave a gap in your business that only God can fill.
  • You’re going to have to take a step of faith to step into your God-given gifts.
  • Do not say no when God says go!

Hillary Scott:

  • One door closing is not all of them closing. Resilience and perseverance are required.
  • Have wise counsel and mentors.
  • Be humble enough to ask questions.
  • Remember you’re defined not by others, but by Who created you.
  • “Comparison is the thief of joy.” – CS Lewis

Amy Porterfield:

  • Social media works when you know your ideal customer identity.
  • Social media works when you create original content that serves your ideal customer.
  • Your content should be aligned with, but separate from, your product.
  • Social media works when you ignite action.
  • What does your ideal audience need to experience, be aware of, or believe in in order to want or need your product/service?

Nicole Walters:

  • Sales is not about pushing; it’s about influencing.
  • Sales comes from confidence and confidence is like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it becomes.
  • Be kind, but firm. Be specific.
  • It’s your God-given duty to share your gifts with the world.

Donald Miller:

  • Demonstrate empathy and authority.
  • Solve internal and external problems.
  • Give customers a plan.
  • Make your call to action clear.
  • Define how you will improve people’s lives.


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My 2016 Reading List Recap

pexels-photo-46274If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you probably realize how important acquiring knowledge is to me. I love learning! And up until June, I did most of that through Audible books on my commute. However, now that I work from home, I didn’t make it through as many books as I normally would during a year. That was probably the only bummer about losing my commute. But I made a big attempt during the first half of the year to compensate, and I’ll certainly squeeze in another one or two during my holiday travels.

Here’s my recap:

If you need more suggestions, here are my previous lists:

And if you’re in a short or no commute situation like me, but you still want to learn, try podcasts. I began substituting more podcasts for books since they are shorter, but still convey a lot of information. Here are the ones that top my list:

Interested in trying Audible? Click the image below.

*30 days of membership free, plus two free audiobooks to keep.
*1 credit a month after trial, good for any book regardless of price.
*Exclusive members savings. Get 30% off any additional audiobooks.
*Easy exchanges. Don’t love a book? Swap it for free, anytime. Seriously.

HAPPY LEARNING!

(Note: Amazon/Audible links are affiliate links.)


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National Leadership Forum: Notes and Quotes

FullSizeRenderLast week I had the privilege of attending the National Leadership Forum. My mentor Holly is the COO of Growing Leaders, who hosts this unique gathering, and this is the second time I’ve attended this fantastic event. It’s geared toward educators, administrators, coaches, and mentors, and even though I am none of those things, I still learned a lot with the theme of “Leaders at Every Level.”

If you fit any of those categories, I’d urge you to make your way to Atlanta next summer. But it will probably sell out, so plan early! And this would be a great excuse for those of you who have ongoing education budgets at your disposal.

Here are some of the gems I picked up during these two days:

Tim Elmore
  • The leader of the company is the crafter of the culture.
  • Why do we fail to develop leaders:
    • The busy myth. We claim we’re too busy and don’t have time.
      • You must schedule your priorities.
    • The treasure hunt myth. We hope we can just find and hire them.
    • The reproduction myth. But we’ve never been equipped ourselves.
      • We teach what we know, but reproduce who we are.
    • The maintenance myth. We’re satisfied with just plugging holes.
  • When an org or school fails to develop good leaders:
    • It’s a failure of systems.
    • It’s a failure in culture.
      • “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which is grows, not the flower.” – The Vibrant Mind
  • Common org cultures:
    • Toxic culture
    • Distant culture
    • Fun culture
    • Confused culture
    • Stagnant culture
    • Blind culture
  • The truth about culture:
    • All teams have a culture, by default or design.
    • People are carriers of culture, good or bad.
      • “Let’s hire the culture we want. Gifts can be cultivated.”
    • Some teammates are more contagious than others.
    • There are as many cultures as there are managers.
    • The culture affects behavior more than anything else.
      • “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.” – ?
    • A leader’s job is to cultivate a healthy culture.
      • Build a healthy culture and it will grow.
    • They do this through their habits and attitudes.
  • The ultimate job of a leader is to create more leaders. They do this by building a system and culture.
  • Hanging on the wall isn’t necessarily what’s happening down the hall.
  • Your org is telling a story…not unlike a movie. And it has a soundtrack. You have:
    • A script (your words)
    • Acting and blocking (your behavior)
    • A sound track (your culture)
      • What’s yours? Did you write it or let it happen?
      • It can make or break the movie.
      • Like your culture, the sound track provides the feel of your story.
      • If we’re not careful, our sound track can ruin all we’re saying and doing. (ex: Ms. Doubtfire cut to be a horror.)
      • If we’re intentional, our sound track can enhance all we say and do.
  • At Growing Leaders, we’re intentional about:
    • Mission and values
    • Vision and objectives
      • 1% can change the 99% (ex: MLK)
    • Brand personality
    • Tweet flavor (social media)
    • Inside “rules” for outside “reputation”
    • Our physical environment
    • Differentiators
Dr. Meria Carstarphen – Superintendent of Atlanta Public Schools
  • Brought in after the APS cheating scandal.
  • You have no idea how good/bad the situation actually is until you’re inside the culture/org.
  • Access to quality education at every level, age and zip code changes lives.
  • Born in Selma, AL, and family still lives there.
  • There are people meant to make the changes. I am that person.
  • Culture is usually the last change we make.
  • “Where the needs of the world and your talent intersect, there your vocation lies.” – Greek philosopher?
  • Express empathy and give people a chance. Don’t live in fear.
  • She is active on social media, plays with the kids, gives parents and kids her cell phone number.
  • Tell people when they do something right, not just when they do something wrong.
  • Put a succession plan in place way before you think of leaving.
  • Leaders should bring out the strengths of those in their care.
  • You can’t let sabotage stop you from doing the right thing.
    • And as a leader, you can’t let the sabotage into your heart and head, or it will effect your culture since it starts at the top.
  • Don’t wait till your kid is in school to help shape the school. Join committees and be a part of things that will help create the school you want your kid to attend.
Gene Smith – Director of Athletics for Ohio State University
  • Create an environment for constant communication.
  • People will forget what you said or did, but never how you made them feel.
  • They have a structured development program for everyone, and know where they want to go in their job and life.
  • Stay true to your values above everything else. I own my integrity.
  • Learn to confront in a timely manner. When you have the backbone to stand up for your values, you create respect, despite any backlash.
  • Make sure your people get their rest and vacation.
  • They call their coaches “teachers.”
  • Instead of calling the people listed as references, call the people below and around them to see how they’re treated. Hire for character.
  • Their student athletes go through trainings to set them up for life and character, not just football.
  • A title doesn’t make you a leader.
  • Never forget your custodian! They make your world go.
Holly Moore – VP of Growing Leaders
  • Change fatigue is real.
  • “Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost. Emotional health is facing reality at any cost.” – M. Scott Peck
  • All of us have ways we take in and evaluate information.
  • Myers-Briggs is the DNA of your personality.
  • Where do you get your energy: E or I
  • How do you process info: S or N
  • How do you make decisions: T or F
  • How do you prefer to live: J or P (greatest cause of relational disharmony)
  • Insecurity in a leader is toxic.
  • Leadership comes with a microphone.
  • Five voices: Pioneer, Connector, Creative, Guardian, Nurturer
    • Teams should have a variety of these, and respect for each other.
    • I’m a Creative! (INFJ)
    • Nurturer
      • Always cares for others, but can stuff feelings to make peace. Make sure you are heard too.
    • Guardian
      • Believes change is necessary, but can come across as overly critical. Look for ways to compromise. Share your feelings before your questions.
    • Connector
      • Whatever’s needed, you have a source. Great collaborators. Can become passive aggressive or withdrawn if you sense rejection. Become more self-aware when you sense feelings of rejections, and process them.
    • Creative
      • Never satisfied with the status quo. It can always be better. Communication and function bed when you know your contribution is valued. The word “can’t” isn’t in our vocabulary. Can fail to celebrate the 90% achieved, and focus on the 10% not done. Can be paralyzed by perfectionism. (F) When you’re stressed, you become The Hulk. (T) When you’re stressed, you’re a sniper. Speak up sooner. Don’t build up “retaliation rocks” or stuffed feelings. Feelings aren’t buried dead, but buried alive. Resist perfectionism.
    • Pioneer
      • Anything is possible! Visionary and courageous. But you can fail to hear all the voices, or have a “back me or fight me” mentality. Stop and listen before reacting. Find a safe place to process.
Judith J. Pickens – Senior Advisor, Youth Advocacy at Boys & Girls Clubs of America
  • All young people are at-risk today.
  • Five key elements to help kids thrive:
    • Safe, positive environment
    • Fun
    • Supportive relationships with caring adults and peers
    • Opportunities and high expectations
    • Recognition
  • Prioritize for a prosperous future:
    • Academic success
    • Good citizenship and character
    • Healthy lifestyles
  • Seven states have more than 20% of their high schools are considered “drop-out factories,” which graduate less than 50% of seniors: SC, FL, NV, GA, NM, NC and MS. Mississippi always comes in last on education surveys.
  • What you doing that’s life-changing, generation-changing or transformational?
  • Children often take their queues from their teachers and parents.
  • Statistics go up exponentially for the success of kids when they are connected to their world and a caring community.
  • “Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis” – book by Robert Putnam
Austin Moss – Director of Player Engagement at NFL
  • Whatever you do, do it with excellence.
  • His job is to help players transition well after the game as well. Average career of a player is three years.
  • Works with the development of high school and college student athletes.
  • All employees go through domestic violence training.
  • NFL has different service and celebration activities.
Tim Elmore
Digging Wells Before You’re Thirsty
  • The need of the hour is 1) more and better leaders, and 2) a relevant equipping process to prepare those leaders (staff and students).
  • Trains and Tracks – Tracks may look confining at first, but they’re the path that make trains go.
  • Our world needs graduates who 1) solve problems and 2) serve people.
  • What we believe about leader development:
    • It’s an inside job before it’s an outside job.
    • It’s a process more than an event.
    • It’s a right-brain function before it’s a left-brain function.
    • It’s more caught than taught.
    • It’s done in small groups more than big groups. Circles not rows.
    • It’s more about a disposition than a position.
    • It’s learned through both uploading and downloading.
    • It’s about an experience not just an explanation.
    • It’s about relationships before it’s about results.
    • It’s about service before it’s about success.
  • The top-down funnel for events and activities: (creating bridges between levels and gently push them as far as they’ll go)
    • Attraction – Had to be interesting to people
    • Involvement – Getting known by others
    • Service – Had to do something
    • Leadership – Now they get to be in charge
    • Multiplication – Leading leaders
  • The Big IDEA
    • All great training contains four thoughts.
    • I – Instruction (They need conversation.)
    • D – Demonstration (They need it observation.)
    • E – Experience (They need participation.)
    • A – Assessment (They need evaluation.)
Tim Elmore: A Leadership Cult or Culture: Cultivating an Environment of Growth and Leadership in Your School or Organization
Josh Bledsoe – FFA COO
  • By 2050, the world’s population will reach 9 billion. We need to double our food supply to feed them.
  • Career development, personal growth and advocates for agriculture – new mission
Tim Elmore:
Cult or culture:
  • Cult – Leadership is all about them. (Hansen and Karish)
    • insecure, control issues, ego
  • Culture – Work that wants to live sole for something bigger than themselves.
    • Community of shared qualities that foster change.
  • Every culture possesses shared values, shared customs and a shared language.
    • The same can be true for org culture.
  • Cultures don’t change without something to gain.
  • The two great motivators are pain and gain.
  • People on a team become carriers of the culture.
  • A leadership culture is an environment that contagiously affects people to think and act like authentic leaders.
  • If you could create a culture, what words would you use to describe it? How would you describe your current culture?
  • “Success without a successor is a failure.” – Romanian proverb
  • You can only change about 20% per year in an org, and only 20% of the people will lead the charge.
  • You’re more likely to act out the change than talk out the change.
  • “Some say it is unfair to hold disadvantaged children to rigorous standards. I say it is discrimination to require anything less–-the soft bigotry of low expectations.” – George W. Bush, campaign speech before the NAACP (2000).
Ken Blanchard – Consultant, Speaker, Author
  • “The One-Minute Manager” – his first big book
  • “The Generosity Factor” – another of his books
  • Effective leadership is all about managing people’s energy.
  • Take 30 seconds to greet people like you’re looking for someone’s energy. Take another 30 to greet people like they’re long-lost friends.
  • Your beliefs drive your behavior. Your behavior gets you results.
  • Being an effective leader:
    • Servant – It’s not about you.
    • Steward – You don’t own a thing.
    • Shepherd – Everyone is important.
  • Servant leadership gets the best results.
    • Leadership is about going somewhere.
  • Mission – What you do
  • Vision – Where you’re headed
  • Values – How you get there
  • Goals – The means to the end
  • Your job is to help the people under you win so they can help your customers win.
  • Have employees rate themselves regularly, and the manager agrees or disagrees. The manager needs to help them try to get an A.
    • The end result needs to be clear, and the manager helps them get there.
  • Transformational leadership starts with self leadership.
    • Then one-on-one.
    • Then team.
    • Then org leadership.
  • Catch people doing something right.
  • “In the end, everything goes back in the box.” – John Ortberg
  • Are your people culture builders or culture busters? If you let the latter stay, you’re not staying true to your company values.
Wayne Hammond – Resiliency Initiatives 
  • Stop looking at what’s wrong with people, and focus on what’s right with people.
  • “85% of positive change comes from being a relationship that’s meaningful to you, and talking about something that matters to.” – his friend.
  • Measure resiliency. (a strengths-based culture)
  • Help teachers learn to be coaches in the classroom.
  • Resiliency is a by-product of culture.
  • The starting point in their potential. Their strengths not weaknesses.
  • We medicate kids into the behaviors we’re looking for.
  • Girls develop fine motor skills before boys, which is what is rewarded in schools.
  • Listen to someone’s story, and you’ll find out what’s important to them.
  • Three evolving challenges: Academics, Culture, Life Skills
  • Resiliency helps kids navigate risk, not avoid it.
  • Mot kids don’t know what their strengths are.
  • The four phases of transformational change: Connect, Inspire, Build and Empower
  • When you don’t give up, you cannot fail.
  • “If you think our future will require better schools,you’re wrong. The future of education calls for entirely new learning environments.”
  • “If you think we will need better teachers, you’re wrong. Tomorrow’s learners will need guides who take on fundamentally different roles.”
  • “Start by doing what is necessary,then what is possible, and suddenly you’re doing the impossible.”
  • Onboard education – sayhello@meritocore.com
Kyle Stark – Assistant General Manger, Pittsburg Pirates
  • Their mantra is to change the world by baseball.
  • Voted in the Top 5 for “best culture in MLB.”
  • Always try to get better.
  • Three mindsets to build a culture of leadership:
    • General
      • The top matters, from an assumption of responsibility.
      • It’s not about the position, but being intentional with their influence.
      • There’s not any one style.
    • Gatekeeper
      • The leader polices what/who comes in and out.
      • The defender of the culture.
      • Chase “fit” at the expense of “talent.” Hire for the people who say “we” over “me.” Hire difference-makers.
      • More time on the front end saves you more time on the back end.
    • Gardener
      • Help everything grow.
      • Servant leader.
      • An environment without stress/risk is stagnant.
      • It always starts and ends with relationship.
      • You’d rather see a sermon than hear one.
      • Be relentless, and be obsessed with it.
  • Education, acquisition, execution
  • The best thing about events is to inspire people to get back to the grind and do your work even better.
  • Adversity helps you clarify if you really believe your values.
  • The stronger your culture, the more risk you can take and feel confident in doing so.
Tim Elmore – Where do we go from here?
What you can do when you return home:
  • What’s in my control?
  • What’s out of my control?
  • What’s within my sphere of influence?
  • Pour into your employees and “middle management” because they are the face-to-face for your clients, students, players, etc.
How to spot a leader early:
  • Intrinsic signals: (PRIDE) perception, responsibility, initiative, dissatisfaction, energy
    • Some of these may start out negative, and need to be redirected.
  • Four common ways to begin the leadership journey:
    • Gifted to lead
      • Habitual leaders. Help them steward it well.
    • Situated to lead
      • Leaders need to help kids find their situation
    • Positioned to lead
      • It has to be handed to them. They need to be authorized.
    • Summoned to lead
      • They’re upset about something, and need to be the one to fix it. They’re problem solvers.


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Addiction Training

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About a month ago, I and the other Out of Darkness volunteers had our first training of 2014. Heather Hayes taught on addiction, as the title suggests, and it was really fascinating. Sadly, my notes won’t do it justice, but they’ll give you a good idea of what we talked about.

  • Two arguments in addiction: choice or disease. Heather believes disease. It’s a question of causality.
  • Addiction is a brain disorder.
  • Addicts look like everyone. Recovering people look like everyone.
  • A majority of the people in prison are dealing with at least one addiction.
  • Drugs work in the midbrain, which only deals with what happens right now. It is unconscious, and can override the sensible part of your brain (frontal cortex). Fight or flight, life or death, eat or sleep, sex for procreation/survival — trauma is store here, and it is unstable because it doesn’t deal with rational thought.
  • Drugs trump all other coping mechanisms, to the point of death.
  • Abusers can stop or corral it in, addicts can’t.
  • STRESS is the causal agent in addiction. Stress factors: severity, pattern, coping mechanisms, different brains
  • Addictive people are often very sensitive, softhearted people.
  • Dopamine relieves stress through pleasure. Chronic stress breaks the receptor. Then people can’t discern normal pleasure. It isn’t as great as it once was. Drugs give a surge that’s discernable.
  • Too much natural dopamine is schizophrenic; too little is Parkinson’s.
  • Stress = Craving (can be wild or extreme)
  • Cravings keep the cycle going.
  • Frontal Cortex goes dark during addiction cycles. Rational thought is out the window.
  • People can still function in routines, but it becomes evident once out of a routine.
  • There will never be pills to cure addiction. You can treat symptoms only. You have to re-teach non-chemical coping skills for stress. It takes the brain about a year to get back to base level.
  • There is a heroine epidemic in ATL.
  • About 60% of addicts who are women have eating disorders. Also usual victims of trauma.
  • Usually a lot of crossover between substance abuse and performance abuse. (Ex: sex, food, cults, co-dependence, workaholic, gambling, porn, etc.)
  • Addition is a disregulation of the mid-brain pleasure (dopamine) systems due to unmanaged stress resulting in symptom of decrease functioning, specifically loss of control, craving and persistent use despite negative consequences.
  • 93% of addicts are functional
  • Cutting: a response to emotional pain that is focused. It can have addictive qualities. Trauma recovery must be done. Dissociative personalities are prone to self-mutilation.
  • Signs of addiction: denial, minimizing problems, blaming others, justifications/excuses, defensiveness, mood swings, changes in personality, manipulation, legal problems, financial problems, irritability, loss of pleasure, breaking promises, withdrawn or overly talkative, emotionally unstable, escalating use of chemicals
  • Coping skills: anger management, relaxation, exercise, schedule/routine, meditation, biofeedback, communication skills
  • Most people in recovery and succeeding have a spiritual component.
  • People need to hear they can overcome—and it’s true.


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Trauma Training Notes

Out of Darkness Trauma 186930690Training

These notes are from a seminar I attended last summer on trauma. It is part of the on-going education I receive because I volunteer at Solomon House, a short-term recovery center for women who have been trafficked or prostituted. Bethany Blanco of Manna Treatment was the presenter. Just thought I’d share in case anyone else finds it helpful.

PERPETRATOR STRATEGY

  • Emotional and mental strategies make the most sense because they can’t be seen.
  • Exploitation of a victim’s vulnerabilities: take them out of their environment, isolation, fear law enforcement, insult, question them/raise questions, lies, hone in and emphasize vulnerabilities
  • Threats: violence, threat of harm is just as strong as harm, threats of harm to family or things/people they love, surrounding them with other scared women
  • Reward/punishment: showing some kindness to keep them coming back, the possibility of better, relationships form, fear keeps a dutiful slave, occasional violence
  • Praying on commitment: contract, commitment to family (as in they are providing for the victim), providing or caring for the victim’s children

VICTIM RESPONSE

  • Acceptance or dependence
  • Believe they aren’t good enough for anything else, undeserving
  • A lot of eating disorder victims have sexual abuse history
  • The chains are mental.
  • Learned helplessness
  • Reactive stance (How can I minimize the pain best, knowing this will be my situation?)
  • Identify with perpetrators and sympathize (gives them a weird sense of responsibility and control), genuine feelings of guilt, responsibility makes them feel like they could’ve prevented it, integrates into sense of self (Guilt is I did something wrong. Shame says I am wrong.)
  • Semblance of honor by fulfilling commitment
  • Destroys sense of self

RELATIONAL LESSONS

  • Am I worth loving? Are people safe? – These two questions give people a working model for relationships, starting when they are young. Mothers provide first model for this idea. Can be altered based on healthy or unhealthy relationships. This all forms how we relate to others. Social and biological components. Failure to thrive.
  • The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog—book
  • Parts of the brain: reptilian (flight/flight, survival, instinct), mammalian (emotional center), human (logic, last to develop) — Trauma makes you live in reptilian center. It’s only based on response.
  • Be careful with touch until you have a trusting relationship because touch has not been positive for victims.
  • Be safe and consistent.
  • Logic is not very useful in the beginning because they can’t process it.
  • The person of the therapist brings the most success.
  • Being a safe person: know yourself, evaluate motives, examine your own story and find acceptance, learn to be nonreactive, allow them to be who they are without judging, understand that everything makes sense given the circumstance/history/experience/etc, trust the process and give it the time needed
  • After someone shares trauma, ask them how they’re feeling about it. Stay calm to keep them calm.
  • Be careful asking questions before they’re ready to share, and don’t let them share too much too fast.
  • “Grounding” helps people with severe flashbacks focus on the present.
  • Give them a vision for the future. Give them small tasks to build their self worth. Help them see new options. Add life skills.
  • Show them what healthy weakness looks like.